Fizzy, Admirer of Rabbits said...

[I deeply appologize, to both of the noble contestants of this debate, for being unable to resist contributing my own fragment of silliness. (Not that such an important discussion of world-shattering matters should ever be deemed silly; merely that I, myself, am rather silly.) I also appologize for the length of this post; I am afflicted with a tendancy to ramble on. On the bright side, you are not required to read my madness! Therefore, I shall sally forth with my own take on the matter! In the event that either party is adverse to my "butting in", speak now or ... speak later ... or don't speak at all, then! Who asked you, anyway?!]

In an attempt to completely circumvent the issue of mouses & their various numbers of buttons ... I propose that we re-introduce the underappreciated abbacus to the world of today's technology. Of course, with just a few minor modifications ..... Behold my concept for the new, improved, Personnal Abacus!

FUEL:
Mission Statement: All abaci should be environmentally friendly.
The primary energy source of your abacus should be a hydrogen fuel-cell. Not only is hydrogen the most efficient fuel currently being researched, but inpropper contamination of hydrogen by oxygen results in an explosion! A new fun alternative way to destroy your abbacus should the government attempt to subpeona your files, or when you are simply ready to upgrade to the next generation of abbaci. "Go boom!" However, for those intimidated by the explosive possibilities, it should also be capable of running on solar power.
In the event that our sun decends into a black hole, or if one merely lives in an underground cave for the ambiance, it should be capable of running on "green diesel." Thanks to the Back to the Future movies, most of you are already somewhat familiar with this concept. Actually developed by German engineers during World War II, this fuel is derived from heating organic materials to the point where they release hydrogen and carbon monoxide which is then converted into long chain molecules ... yadda yadda ... The end result is not actually neuclear, however, but a liquid fuel which admits virtually no green house gases! A perfect use for food waste and pesky cannibals or hostile zombies.

COMMUNICATIONS:
Mission Statement: Expolitation of the human need to, literally, be heard.
Enhanced bluetooth and voice recognition technology shall be employed for the consumer's convience, enabling communication directly with your Personnal Abacus. (An obtional self-desturct command feature should be available.) Abaci shall also be able to distribute commands to your ever-growwing army of the undead, (should one arise,) provided your army is outfitted with the proper implanted receptors. All profane or otherwise uncouth language shall be transmitted as minor electric shocks.

PRODUCTION:
Mission Statement: Provide the consumer with a fun way to personnalize their abbacus. Abbaci shall be test-tube engineered for genetic mutation capabilities. Your ability to customize your abbacus, (extra limb attachments, etc.) are limited only by your imagination and knowlege of abbaci DNA!

RESILIANCE:
Mission Statement: All abaci shall not be delicate girly-men, but pumped-up and self-contained: insensitive to the unpredictable forces of nature, capable of traveling anywhere the consumer would like to go, and fortified with a daily dose of vitamin C! Abbaci will come equipped with a number of helpful resistances; such as: A) Water resistant to a depth of 5,000 meters. (In the event of, for example, rapid global warming.) B) Resistant to both lava and pirahnas, or any combination thereof. (No explination nessicary.) C) Ectera.

So that's my solution! What do you guys think? What do you mean, do I even know what an abacus is?! Of course I know what an abacus is!!! I am well-versed in all forms of abbaci and believe me, what the world needs now is a new, improved personal abacus! What is this manual bead counting you speak of? Manual?!?!?! You mean I actually have to move them with my own hands? All by myself?!? But ... but ... what if they're heavy? I could strain a finger! Screw that!

[Most sorry for intrusion. Please disregard the above commentary and shred any/all paper trails immediately. Remember: I'm counting on you! It never existed.]

Beg pardon, do continue with the intellectually-stimulating debate.

April 1, 2007 6:09 AM